


We Very Much Did Start the Fire

by killerkittens22



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Crack, Fluff and Crack, Friendship, Gen, Hogwarts, Pyromania, Pyromaniac Hermione Granger, The Golden Trio, We all know hermione is secretly insane, and a troublemaker, and an evil overlord waiting to take over the world, problem solving
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:27:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24582307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/killerkittens22/pseuds/killerkittens22
Summary: In which Hermione Granger is bold, loyal, kind, and brilliant... but mostly she is just a pyromaniacNobody's perfect.
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Creative Solutions, Hermione Granger/Not Being As Innocent and Law Abiding As She Seems, Hermione Granger/Problem Solving, Hermione Granger/Pyromania, Hermione Granger/The Majestic Beauty of Curling Flames
Comments: 9
Kudos: 50





	1. Fire solves train problems

**Author's Note:**

> I remembered Hermione lighting Snape on fire in Book One and I thought, what if she solved all her problems that way?

When Hermione Granger is three years old, she lights her teddy bear on fire.

It starts a lifelong obsession.

By the time her Hogwart's letter comes she has levitated eleven times, performed accidental summoning twice, and lit a total of three hundred and eleven things on fire, including, on one memorable instance, herself.

Her parents mean well, but they cannot have her go to boarding school quick enough. With any luck, she won't accidentally burn this one down.

She does her studying, knows every book cover to cover, but Hermione Granger has one true talent in life, and by God will she use it well.

* * *

When Hermione Granger arrives at King's Cross station she is presented with a dilemma. There is no platform 9 and 3/4's, nor is there a discreet way to go poking around. This is, luckily, quite easily solved.

Grabbing a lighter from her pocket and a newspaper from the bin, she quickly starts a small fire in an out of the way corner of the station. Then, she concentrates and wills the fire to be bigger and harder to put out.

Satisfied with her efforts, she waits patiently for the crowd to notice, and then, when everyone's attention is diverted, she walks leisurely over to the barrier between platforms nine and ten and starts poking around.

She is rewarded for her efforts when her arm goes through the barrier.

Problem solved!

She smiles and goes to find a seat on the train


	2. Fire solves familiar problems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neville needs to find his toad, enter Hermione Granger

"Don't worry, I have a plan"

"You do?" Neville looked slightly apprehensively at the confident girl in front of him

"Absolutely!" Hermione grinned brightly, "Now, do you have your wand?"

Neville held his up to show her "Yea, well I have my Da's"

Hermione frowned slightly and shook her head, "I don't think that is actually safe? You should get that checked out." She looked thoughtful, "However, it will work well for our purposes!"

"It will?" Neville asked, confused.

"Yep! Fire works well with instability, it usually helps to fill your mind with big, chaotic hard to understand thoughts! Like pondering the reason everyone makes fun of me." Here, Hermione's bright mood darkened, before she visibly forced it away, "That always makes me frustrated and confused, but I just channel it into the fire and it makes it beautiful!"

Neville seemed slightly dazed at this stream of information and he latched onto the first thing he heard, "Fire! We're lighting something on fire?!"

"Of course!" Hermione nodded her head eagerly.

"Why?"

"To get your toad back! Now think of something big and frustrating."

"My toad _always_ running away? It gets me in so much trouble, Gran's a bit mean about it." Neville was just going with the flow at this point.

"Now concentrate on that and say _ignis_."

" _ignis_ " Fire suddenly shot out of his wand and he could feel his frustration and annoyance pouring into it and making it stronger causing a bright merry blaze. Neville thought it looked rather pretty, burning his problems away

Suddenly a prefect burst into their carriage.

"Say, what are you two doing! This is why you shouldn't practice spells before you're taught them. You could have killed yourselves!"

Neville was about to speak but Hermione cut across him.

"Of course! I'm so sorry! I was just so excited about magic and I wanted to try one spell, and Neville lost his toad so I thought we'd see if we could summon it! I didn't know we could sent things on fire! I was so scared!" Hermione even shed a few fake tear, for effect.

"Hey there, firstie, don't cry. It's an easy mistake, I'll summon your friend's toad for you. Magic's great you'll see, you weren't in that much danger anyways."

When he had summoned the toad and left, (Not before giving them each a chocolate frog "for the shock") Neville turned to Hermione.

"You're brilliant." He said breathlessly.

Hermione blushed, "I just find you can solve a lot with a fire, easier than wallowing in your problems, anyway."

Neville smiled and agreed.


	3. Fire solves hat problems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where do you sort a kid who lights everything on fire? 
> 
> Gryffindor, of course.

As the sorting hat (his name is actually Duke Georgiana Henley Madonna Banana Anna Sonny Cher Paul Abraham 33xx Chair Frog ☺ Grecian Feastin' Wheaty Kellog Smith Fly Apples Fly Bullshit Shoe Bitch #Startterevolution Anderson the third Jr. Esq. but that's not important for this story) was lowered onto young Hermione Granger's head, he was greeted with the sight of a brave, cunning, loyal, brilliant young girl. This would normally give him some difficulty, however, he was also greeted with a young girl who had a considerable portion of her brain devoted to a large roaring bonfire in which all of her confusing and annoying thoughts seemed to reside. 

If one were to ask the sorting hat (because of the length of his name, his nickname is The-hat-whose-name-must-be-hyphenated-due-to-an-absurd-wizarding-naming-convention-but-also-due-to-the-length-of-his-ridiculously-long-and-utterly-pretentious-title) this habit of Miss Granger's is not the most mentally stable way to deal with her problems, but no one has asked the hat.

The sorting hat (Due to the efforts of several muggleborns who do _not_ subscribe to wizarding naming conventions but who _are_ nerds he has the alternate nickname Prince Sombrero, mighty is he, long may he reign, the mystic, great and powerful, scourge of kingdoms, slayer of kings, bringer of darkness, and ruler of the houses of Hogwarts) has met several kids like Hermione Granger over the years. They all go to Gryffindor.

As he shouts out her house he says a small prayer.

"Coco Chanel, fashion goddess, please let her not burn down the school."

* * *

The sorting hat (Due to the efforts of Albus Dumbledore, he has the alternate alternate nickname Gellert my greatest love and shame Lemon drop Ariana Aberforth Percival Wulfric Brian For The Greater Good I Am So Wise Ooh Look At The Pretty Colors Dumbledore Grindlewald. This also possibly Albus Dumbledore's train of thought and not a nickname, we cannot confirm at this time) will repeat his prayer a few minutes later when he sorts Neville Longbottom and finds most of the boy's thoughts revolve around an incident which happened earlier on the train.

The sorting hat (Due to the efforts of the one single person who had an ounce of sense when deciding to name him, he has the alternate alternate alternate nickname Al. It was Minerva McGonagall, if you care) wonders how many people will be pyromaniacs by the time Hermione Granger gets out of Hogwarts.

* * *

Across the hall, one Dark Lord sat looking into the minds of the children for snippets of information. When he reaches Hermione Granger he finds an idle fantasy in which the entire Great Hall is in flames and fire is starting to creep up his robes and onto his turban.

He pales and starts to plan a method to remove Hermione Granger.

How could she know his secret?


End file.
